Space Monkey Tricks
by missCeilidh
Summary: A Parody for English Class. References to Heard of Darkness, Moby Dick 2010, Death of a Salesman, and, of course, Fight Club. Based on the Book. Read and Review please!
1. Chapter 1

AN: This was a parody written for English class, and had to include references to Moby Dick, Death of a Salesman, and Heart of Darkness while following the main story of Fight Club. This is based off of the book, not the movie, so some things might be different. For plot purposes, the nameless narrator from the novel, or _Jack_ from the movie is being called Ishmael. Michelle/ Marla is a reference to the hilariously awful movie, 'Moby Dick 2010'.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Don't sue. Thank you.

Also, Thanks to Shubha and Donna for helping write this.

Enjoy!

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><p>Call me Ishmael. I'm twenty three and life, the three minutes left of it, at least, pretty much sucks.<p>

Tyler gets me a job as a sailor, after that Tyler's shoving the blunt end of his peg leg down my throat and giggling that the first step to eternal life is you have to die. I stick my head over the edge of the mast head and look down; spread out below us is the entire Congo basin. The drop is dizzying. What's left of the crew stares up at us, treading the muddy river water. They won't last long.

The Pequod bobs a little in eddies and currents. It won't be long until the entire house-boat collapses. I'd give us three minutes, give or take. No, I say, but wait. Where would Kurtz be if Marlow hadn't written anything? I tongue his nasty rotting peg into my cheek and say, you want to be a legend, Tyler, man, I'll make you a legend. I've been here from the beginning.

I remember everything.

Two minutes.

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><p>On to the next chapter! Leave a Review!<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Welcome to the Whiny-Looser Support Group.

That's what it says at the sign, anyways. Every night I go to a different support group. Masochistic Tendencies is Monday, Cannibalism is Tuesday, on Wednesday I go to Schizophrenia and Monomaniacs Anonymous is on Friday. Today is Thursday, Thursday. Gotta get down on Thursday.

The minute I walk in, Biff is sobbing all over me. Didn't I hear that his dad died, he asks. That no-good SOB got what he deserved anyway, I tell him. He slept with another woman, got an STD, treated you and your mom like crap, went crazy and then he off'ed himself. Biff looks at me.

And I'm lost inside.

This is how I met Michelle Singer.

She looks at me from across the room. She's under her own Biff. His name is Starbuck, and he's a real whiner. Something about being a coward. She smokes and ignores him. But didn't she want to hear about his problems? He asks, that's what we're all here for anyway, isn't it? She smokes and rolls her eyes.

She's been at every one of my meetings this week.

Faker.

Faker.

Faker.

I'm beginning to think her real problem is being a stalker.

"Call me Michelle," she says. Hey, I say, that's my line.


	3. Chapter 3

One morning there's a dead giant squid floating by our boat with the floppy look of a used condom.

This is how Tyler meets Michelle.

All night long she was tracking this thing from her motor-boat, the Coffin, and in the early morning it floated up here, dead. She says she's studying the river's marine life. The marine-biologist /psychotic nutcase saw the stacks of _Oceanographer's Weekly_ that the Pequod's previous owner had collected and decided to stay for a while. I go inside to tell Tyler, hoping he'll throw the nutcase off. Instead he pegs his way over to the kitchen table.

"We'll head upriver," Tyler says, "There are bound to be whales upriver."

I am Joe's raging bile duct.

Starbuck: That's a really really dumb plan. Every idiot knows that Whales don't live up rivers. I hate you all. You're ruining my life.


	4. Chapter 4

Zen.

I am Zen.

I am so totally freaking Zen it's not even funny.

I am Joe's clenching bowels.

I get totally Zen right in everyone's hostile little face.

Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains.

I'm great, I say, Really.

As in Hindu cow great.


	5. Chapter 5

"First," Tyler says, "First, we'll need to render some fat."

Tyler starts unloading tubs of smelly yellow stuff from the hold. Michelle is sunbathing on the roof. Me, I'm supposed to fill the tripots most of the way with water. Too little water and the fat will darken as it separates into tallow.

"This WHALE FAT,* cough-Michelle* WHALE fat," Tyler says, "it has a lot of salt so the more water, the better."

Put the fat in the water and get the water boiling. Tyler empties the tubs into the water before breaking them up and dumping them in the river. "Michelle better not see that." He whisper-yelled. He wants her to see them. He really does.

"Sticking feathers up your butt," Tyler says, "does not make you a chicken."

Boil and skim.

Awkward silence.

Boil and skim.

So, I say, how is Michelle?

Tyler says, "At least she's trying to hit bottom. We could help her out. I think we have some cinderblocks…"

Keep skimming until no more tallow rises. Tyler tries again.

"It's SALTY, too much salt in this WHALE FAT, and your WHALE SOAP won't get solid." Tyler is all but screaming now.

Boil and skim.

Michelle is back.

The second Michelle appears, Tyler is gone, vanished, run out of the room, disappeared. "Oh, how cute!" she squeals, pointing at the whale-shaped soap moulds, "We can sell these to raise money to save the whales!"

I yell at Tyler that Marla doesn't need a _ship_, she needs a _case worker_.

He doesn't answer.

I am Joe's grinding teeth.


	6. Chapter 6

As soon as Michelle is gone on her whale hunt, we put the tallow away. Tyler takes my hand, looks deep into my eyes and says... "Don't talk about me behind my back or I'll castrate you myself."

I nod.

"Do you Promise?"

I Promise.

"Do you _Promise_?"

Yes, I Promise.

"Do you _really _Promise?"

Sure.

"Do you _really really _Promise?"

Um... _yeah_. I promised, remember?

"Do you _really really really _Promise?"

Is this really necessary?

"Do you _really really really really _Promise?"

Okay, fine, I say, whatever you want, now please shut up.

"Great, let's seal it with a kiss." I have a really bad feeling about this. He dumps Lye on my face.

_**(Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! *explicative* IT BURNS!)**_


	7. Chapter 7

Tyler said to me, "Hit me as hard as you can."

This is how the Fight Club started.

The first rule of fight club is that you don't talk about fight club.

I love Tyler to death, I mean I'm not trying to go against the captain or anything, but you have to admit that it's a pretty dumb rule. I mean we're on a boat for heaven's sake. Everybody knows about Fight Club because everybody's in it. Who else could possibly find out? We're in the middle of Congo River, the dark interior of Africa, for crying out loud, and there's nobody but the crew around for hundreds of miles.

The second rule of fight club is that you don't talk about fight club.

What idiot says the same thing over and over again? The even sadder part is that nobody seems to notice, not even that Kurtz guy. All he ever does is go off on tangents about some heart of darkness. Even I know you can't have anything other than a heart of darkness. How are you supposed to poke a hole in the middle of you chest and let light through? Anyone in their sane mind would know that would kill you. And some men on the Pequod go off saying, "He expanded my mind, dude." Weirdos.

The third rule of fight club is that when someone says stop, or goes limp, even if he's just faking it, the fight is over.

Only two guys to a fight. One fight at a time. They fight without shirts or shoes. The fight go on as long as they have to. Those are the other rules of fight club.

But I guess all this mayhem wasn't official enough for our BELOVED captain. So, he decided we needed to name the project; he baptized it Project Mayhem.


End file.
